I made a small talk cheat sheet for a client, thought I'd share it with you guys

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Hi people, I recently helped a coaching client by making her a small talk cheat sheet. It really helped her and I thought a lot of you guys can definitely use it as well. This list is by no means exhaustive (still pretty long though), but it gives a general idea on what to focus on. If you have any questions let me know.

[edit 3: PDF Version for those who've been asking for it]

Small talk cheat sheet

Basic Principles

• Social skills and small talk are a skill you become better at by practice
• Small talk is a technique to get to know each other and get on the same level
• If you get on the same page, you can open up and connect more to create a relation
• Don't engage people for approval, validation or acceptance - but for a social experience
• A big part of communication is nonverbal - voice, posture, expressions

Qualities

• Be honest to yourself and others
• Be an energetic, optimistic, enthusiastic you
• Be curious and show empathy
• Don't take it all too serious

Right mindsets

• I can develop into a better me by taking action
• I'm the actor not the victim in my life
• I'm truly interested in other people
• Everybody likes me until proven otherwise
• I am a likable and interesting person

How to approach people

• Look if people are open to conversation
• Open body language
• Not busy or in another conversation
• Make eye contact and smile warmly
• Don't obsess about what to say
• Approach and just simply open with: "Hi, how are you?"

How to start a conversation

• Comment on the context (Situations, news, setting, people) — "This coffee place has a nice nostalgic interior, don't you agree?"
• Give a real compliment — "I really like those sneakers, where did you get them?"
• Ask an opinion — "So what do you think about velvet slacks?"
• Ask about general information — "Can you tell me what time it is?"
• Talk about shared experiences — "That was an amazing game, that last goal! Wow, what did you like?"
• Talk about the social context — "So who invited you to the party?"
• Mention common interests — "Are you going to watch the game tonight?"

How to keep a conversation going

• Balance talking and listening to 2:3 ratio
• Show genuine interest
  • Ask open-ended questions
  • Truly willing to listen and learn
  • "What was/is your highlight this week?"
  • "What are you living towards?"
• Ask for the emotional layer
  • "Why…"
  • "How come you chose…"
• Avoid closed questions (limited answers; yes/no/…)
• Ask for opinions — "What do you think about ….?"
• Find common ground:
  • Agreement on an issue
  • Same interest [hobby / career / etc]
  • Knowing the same person
  • Enjoying a similar background
• Elaborate on common interest but keep the focus on them
• Approach subjects from a unique angle
• Add emotion and quirk — "What about cars? Wouldn't they be much cooler with 6 wheels?"
• Have your own opinion, but be open and respectful of other's opinion as well — "I actually really like pineapple on my pizza"
• Segue from the current subject by zooming in/out or move lateral
  • Dig into the details, see the bigger picture or mention related subjects
• Use "what-if" scenarios to get people thinking and talking — "What if mobile phones were forbidden?"

What to talk about

• Be prepared
• Be informed, what is on people's mind now? Latest meme, hype, news?
  • "Did you guys see that pizza rat video?"
  • "Have you met the new girl in HR?"
• Prepare a few anecdotes you can use in conversation
  • "This one time on bandcamp,..."
  • "So I was going to the police office,..."
• Prepare and share some interesting facts
  • "Did you know this place was built in 1908?"
  • "So India just had its first moon mission."
• Safe subjects to ask about; FORD
  • Family
  • Occupation
  • Recreation
  • Dreams (aspirations)
• Don't just talk about yourself

How to talk and use your voice and body

• Look people in the eyes
• Stand up straight and relaxed
• Open body language, hands by your side
• Articulate clearly and speak loud enough

How to actively listen

• Listen with intent and true interest
• Use verbal acknowledgment that you listen
  • "Interesting"
  • "Sounds cool"
  • "Yes, go on"
• Use nonverbal acknowledgment that you listen
  • "Nodding"
  • "mmmmm" / "uhuh"
• Ask follow-up questions to keep people talking
  • "How did that make you feel?"
  • "And then what?"
  • "What were you thinking when that happened?"
• Ask about what has been told, go with the flow
• Paraphrase what people said to show you listened

When and how to end a conversation

• If conversations seem to be going nowhere
• Or if there seems to be no real interest feel free to leave
  • "(Excuse me) I have to go …"
  • "It was nice talking to you, but I have to …"
  • "Alright, see you around"

How to overcome anxiety barrier

• 3 second rule - approach before you can think
• Take deep calming breaths to calm down and approach
• Boost confidence before social activity
  • Do what makes you feel good: work out / puzzles / cold shower etc.
• Share how you feel / clear the air
  • "I'm a bit anxious about…"
  • "I usually don't step up to people, but you looked pretty interesting"
• Practice, practice, practice

Stop!

• Overanalyzing yourself and the situation
• Filtering your responses, say what you think/feel
• Focusing on yourself - instead focus (on the comfort of) the other

How to make others and yourself comfortable

• Become comfortable by making others comfortable
• Ask how people are doing
• Be curious and show interest
• Show empathy
• Make easy eye contact and smile
• Ask and use their name
• Remember and bring up personal details — "How is your wife/cat/boat doing?"
• Paraphrase what people said to show you listened
• Show trust and some vulnerability
• Say what you think and feel
• Don't take it all too seriously

Connecting to people

• Open up yourself, step by step share about you(r life)
• Share information you'd ask of others as well
• Show you trust people
• Shared experiences

Comentarios destacados

happy_sock_thing (7y ago)

One more thought: look for low risk settings to practice, i.e. places you can talk to people without worrying too much if it doesn't work.

For example, I make conversation with my seatmate on a flight. (Entire flight twice! The most successful was when I asked a 25-ish year old about his university, and about the strengths/outcomes for his major, business.) Or with people while waiting for the plane.

I have much more to lose at work, for example, where politics could be an area of risk.

Spacemage (7y ago)

I always suggest practicing on cashiers because you have a brief time window so if it's weird you won't be there for long. If it's good then you leave on a positive note. Plus you may brighten someone's day, and also create a connection with them (I made friends with someone at the grocery store, snapchat friends now).

You always want the people handling your money to like you, or at least not dislike you. Good way is have a good connection w them. Easy to do by making their day less shitty.

prefixbond (7y ago)

As someone who is usually very good at small talk I think this advice is all great. If it all seems like a lot to remember, maybe try this quick tip/summary:

I approach every small-talk interaction with the assumption that the other person is more anxious than me and it's my job to make them feel comfortable.

This works because it's very often true. Other people are generally anxious about small talk too, so they welcome the effort you make to put them at ease. It also helps take the focus off you and puts you in a mindset of genuine caring and being genuinely interested in the other person.

prefixbond (7y ago)

A lot of the specifics are in the OP's list, but if you approach with the mindset of caring I mentioned, then you have half the job done for you: your body language will be open and warm (with smiling), you set the tone as being about two humans in the same boat rather than judging, trying to one-up each other etc., and because your focus is on them and not yourself, you are more relaxed, which in turn relaxes them. Being relaxed also means you are more likely to be genuinely funny where appropriate (rather than forced humour), and humour is also a tension breaker.

One other thing I do is take control of the conversation from the outset. People get worried they won't know what to say next, so if you take control (with the caring mindset in mind, not aggressively) people feel a bit more at ease. If YOU don't know what to say, you just think about what you don't know about that person that you'd genuinely like to know, and ask them. You start simply, with name, what they do, etc and go from there. Your goal is to find out: "what does this person do or think, that is very interesting to me?". Everyone has something interesting about them. Just keep probing until you find it. Then run with it.

[deleted]

There was a time when I really don't know why people ask "how are you?" Like why do people so care. But now I feel I was stupid. And also sometimes I wonder why I often hear people have conversation about something that seems just about common knowledge, I was like "why do people talk about this, isn't it a common thing to know. Of course it is like that and I believe they both know that, why do they have conversation about things that they already know".

Now I think people do that to just keep conversation going, and maybe to dig that eventually they'll find something new. But Im still having problems trying to apply that to me, still don't know what to talk, mostly just hard to be interested to other things.

[deleted] (OP)

Being interested in other people is something you can really learn, I was like you before - "why should we talk about all this crap, it makes no sense". But if you cultivate an interest in people, you will find that people are more willing to talk, and often tell you very interesting things about their lives. And very often you will find that you have more in common than you expected in advance. Maybe try thinking, what would I like other people asked of me, and then apply that to people you meet.

TZumppi

Exactly. I talk a lot to other people. I'll give lots of +++ points if someone is occasionally interested in how am I doing or wants to ask my opinion for something. This reassures me the conversation is worthwhile and not useless and the other participant of the conversation is genuinely interested in having the conversation.

Short, one worded answers really give the assumption that the other person has better things to do or wants to end the conversation asap.

Sure, everybody has bad days and they may feel like they don't have the energy for small talk and conversations that day, but if you make yourself an easily approachable person, that's one of the best ways to improve your social game! (You make it easier for others to socialize with you.) Heck, even your crush may gather up the confidence and talk to you if he/she sees that your body lanquage is welcoming and you are easily approachable.

Conversations don't have to be too complicated when you have just recently met somebody. I will personally go talk to a mysterious girl at some point just to say hi or something. These were my thoughts.

UnblockableShtyle (7y ago)

Things that help me because my ADHD stops me from being socially acceptable a lot of times:

• Look at a person's eyebrows if you're not comfortable maintaining eye contact
  • Wearing my glasses also helps this - like looking at people through a layer
• Using ambiguous words to keep a conversation going when you don't know what to say or weren't listening/don't quite understand what they're talking about such as: "Seriously! Right? Fair enough. You can say that again. Tell me more" and then you should be caught up.
• Having a drink in your hand helps (tea, water, booze, etc depending on your setting) so you can pause for a second and put your brain back together while you take a drink. Also hydrating is good anyway.

:)