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Stop developing oneitis and start being authentic and having abundance

Fuente

Post original de r/seduction (enlace pendiente de añadir)

Fundamentals

1. Oneitis

Oneitis is a toxic mindset (or disease) where a man falls deeply and wholly in love with a woman to the point of obsession in a short period of time. Oneitis occurs to men who don't approach women and have limited dating options. Such men are often considered as incels (involuntary celibates). When these men find a woman, they put her on a pedestal and do all their best to impress her and to attract her (neediness). Oneitis occurs when you see a world of scarcity and not of abundance.

2. Example

Before going further, I'd like to give an example that is inspired by a story that occurred to me a year ago and that has certainly happened to you as well.

  • Bryan is 30 and works for Google. Because of his toxic shame, he hasn't dated any woman in his life. He is afraid of them and doesn't dare to approach and ask them out.
  • One day, Tatiana joins his office. Her being friendly, she initiates a lot of conversations with her colleagues, including Bryan. As a result, Bryan starts to like her. Him being unable to ask her out, he just talks to her and becomes obsessed with her, he falls deeply and wholly in love with Tatiana.
  • 1 month later, Bryan expresses his feelings to Tatiana and tells her he likes her, which confuses her because he had been acting as a friend and a colleague all this time and wasn't expecting him to express his emotions. Her being a very nice person, she politely tells him that she's not interested.
  • Bryan becomes frustrated and blames Tatiana for rejecting him. Why would she reject a guy who had been so nice with her?

3. Are you a nice guy?

A nice guy is an adult male who portrays himself as being nice but does it to get something in return. That's what we call a covert contract. In other words, the nice guy is needy. He prioritises the perceptions others have of him before his. As a result, he puts girls on a pedestal.

Nice guys are nice with every girl and expect something in return by being nice. Neediness means that nice guys feel the need to be approved and validated by girls. Fundamentally, this is the same thing.

The nice guy behaviour is toxic in every aspect of the relationship: 1/ for himself, 2/ for the people who are around him. Nice guys are not assertive, they make covert contracts, and blame the girl when she doesn't reciprocate.

Nice guys are also very boring because they tend to agree with everything or to shape the things they say to be validated by girls. Examples:

Girl: I like Justin Bieber. You (who don't like Justin Bieber): "oh nice - smiles".

Girl: I don't understand why my boyfriend left me. You: I don't understand either, you are beautiful and amazing!!!!!!!

Girl: are you looking for sex? You: No no no no.

4. Being honest makes you non-needy

If you want to stop being a nice guy, you must carry your fucking balls and start being honest with yourself and people (including girls).

And I said "carry your fucking balls" and not "be confident". I see many men victimising themselves when someone tells them to "be confident": easier said than done, be confident here, be confident there. Carry your fucking balls you pussies. Do you think it's easier for me? Do you think it's easier for all the guys who are carrying their balls?

If you want to succeed in life and with girls, you must be honest, bold and vulnerable. You say and do things because you think them, not because you want to impress someone. Being honest makes you bold. Being bold makes you vulnerable.

If a girl tells you she likes Justin Bieber but you don't, tell her that you find JB stupid.

If a girl tells you her boyfriend left her, don't try to get her approval. Don't try to dodge the subject either. Instead, you should try to reassure her unconditionally, to make her feel better, not for you.

If a girl asks if you are looking for sex and you do, answer yes. You can say "right now, yes" if you mean it, instead of just "yes". This very bold statement will make her polarise very fast. That's the key of seduction.

5. Girls are neutral magnets that must be polarised

Consider a girl as a neutral magnet and you as a magnetic field.

If you try to impress her and get her attention, you will shape your words and acts to get her approval. This is neediness and nice guy behaviour. The magnetic field that you will emit will break the neutral magnet and make it unreceptive. You will turn off the girl and make her unattracted.

If you are bold, honest and vulnerable with her, you will portray confidence and non-neediness because you won't care about what she thinks of your words and acts. By being yourself (honest and authentic), you will portray a magnetic field that can potentially activate the magnet and make it receptive. Sometimes, the magnet can still break.

6. Approach girls

You will seduce girls if you are honest, bold, and vulnerable with people in general. I remind you that you must be authentic even with your friends and other people in general, not just with potential girls.

You can even approach girls with that mindset, it will work.

Regardless of your objectives, if you approach girls and you are honest, bold and vulnerable with them, you will polarise some and get some numbers.

If you tell a girl "excuse me, I know this is random, but I like your umbrella, and I want to ask you out, can I get your number?", this will probably be random in your eyes but if you really mean it, the authenticity of your words will make her laugh and she will give you her number.

So start approaching girls to see abundance in your world.

7. Abundance and scarcity

Oneitis is a disease that affects men who see scarcity in their lives. If you want to no longer see scarcity, you must see abundance.

To see abundance in your life you must meditate and thank life for all it gave you. By doing this, you'll hopefully realise that you don't need anything else to be happy. You don't need a girl to be happy, you don't need sex to be happy, you don't need a girlfriend to be happy. Nothing makes you happy but you.

To see abundance in girls, you must approach women, define your objectives and your criteria.

8. Be a picky man

I look for a partner who is very honest and vulnerable, who is very curious, has life objectives, is a good communicator, doesn't need me to be happy, and is emotionally mature. A partner who is basically like me, because we attract what we are and we are attracted by what we are.

I don't need a girl to be happy, so I don't want a girl who needs me to be happy.

Looks-wise, I only approach girls I find beautiful with decent looks.

Being picky doesn't make you less successful with girls, on the contrary it makes you more valuable.

9. Authenticity

Everything I said in this post must come naturally. It shouldn't be forced.

You are honest with girls because you want to be honest with people.

You are picky because you have a list of criteria.

You don't text her because you don't feel the need to text her, not because you want to ignore her.

10. Texting girls just for logistics should be authentic

Many people in this subreddit tell you to text only for logistics. Although this is true, it shouldn't be forced. It should be done because you mean it, because you don't feel the need to text more than that. You don't want to invest more time in the girl because you are not interested in her yet, not because you want to manipulate her.

I for instance don't text girls because I don't feel the need to get their attention. I have multiple dating options and can approach other girls if I want to hang out with them. So, I don't need to get anybody's attention. When I see them, I make them spend a good time unconditionally, without expecting something in return. If I don't like them, it's okay. I will just finish the date with them without changing my mood and I won't recontact them.

If you are overpresent by texting, you are being a nice guy, very needy and a blue pill taker. These are all synonyms.

If you manipulate girls by ignoring them on purpose, you are being a narcissist and girls will see through your bullshit very fast.

You are now wondering "so should I ignore them or text them??????". There lies your problem.

11. As men, we must own our life and don't try to blame or impress anyone

When a girl postpones a date, I give her a 2nd chance. If she postpones again or can't seem to make time for me, I stop texting her. I only want to see people who want to see me.

One girl that I asked out cancelled our date twice (in advance). The 2nd time, I just told her "listen, if you want to see me, let me know". I didn't reject her but I wanted to let her know that I wouldn't bother asking again. 2 weeks later, she recontacts me to talk to me about something that happened to her life. I replied normally, I didn't feel the need to "ignore her" because I had other dating options and didn't blame her for cancelling the dates. At the end of our discussion, she asked me out. I hadn't brought the subject of the dates in the discussion.

The key here is that you don't need to blame anyone or impress anyone when you are 1/ confident in yourself, 2/ see a world of abundance.

12. Alpha males

Alpha males are self-centered. They don't try to impress girls (neediness) but they don't blame them either (narcissism). They are just themselves: fierce, strong, competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what they do, prospective mates are attracted.

13. Conclusion

Seduction is not about impressing people and it is not about doing something you are not comfortable with. Seduction is about being honest with yourself and with people. You are honest with yourself by acknowledging that you want to meet girls, don't deny it. You are honest with people because you value honesty and don't feel the need to shape reality or give half truths.

By being honest with yourself and with people, you will be really loved but also really hated. That's the key of seduction, you are yourself and are not afraid that some people hate you because you know that there are people who will like you for who you are.

If you can't be yourself, you won't polarise anyone. Nobody will hate you but nobody will love you either. So, don't try to impress people. Just be yourself. You don't need to use "pickup lines" to seduce girls. What you need to do is to clearly tell them you want to date them and ask them out. There is no problem in being honest with people.

14. My current experience

You don't have to do it directly if you are not comfortable with. There is nothing wrong in doing things progressively.

Like for everything, you can go step by step. Look, I stopped eating sugar for instance, although I have always been very fit. The first step was to stop soda, then I stopped eating sweets and chocolate, and now I don't even eat biscuits/cake or anything that contains sugar added artificially. I am very happy like this. I don't feel the need to eat sugar, although I'd still eat your birthday cake.

My current self-development went step by step as well. I started asking female friends out, just to start being more assertive, and it worked very well. I made them spend a very good time and they were happy at the end of the day. I then planned 3-4 city trips with a particular girl and again, I made her spend a very good time unconditionally, because I invited her to something I really wanted to do. I invited like 3-4 girls like this. I was very honest with the girls and stopped putting them on a pedestal. These changes made me realise what seduction was about.

After these pseudo-dates, I asked other girls out. Last week, I have had the occasion to get laid with 2 girls. The first one we were in a Netflix night and I ended up being caressing her hair and her head was on my lap. Her behaviour was screaming "fuck me" (I can read her very well), yet I didn't go further because there wasn't an emotional connection. The second one, I invited her for a drink and 3min into the conversation, we were already talking about sex. She basically knew my intentions and we could have gone further, yet she was too stressed of her life (not me) for anything to happen that night.

Right now, I can ask girls out, I can make them spend a good time unconditionally, without feeling the need to get laid with them, and I can be honest, bold, and vulnerable with anyone. My next step is to increase my cold approaching. I have already approached 1 random girl and she gave me her number, yet I'm not comfortable with cold approaching yet because I haven't done it yet. My current dates are scheduled in social media or texting. I just text for logistics as I don't need to talk to the girls.

At the end of the day, what matters is that you overcome your fears so you can be honest, bold, and vulnerable with anyone. It doesn't matter how long it takes you, it doesn't matter how you do it, what matters is that you do it. The journey is as exciting as the dates themselves.

15. References

Everything I wrote comes from my own mind and reflects my current mindset.

What allowed me to get there was reading 2 books:

  • No More Mr Nice Guy – Robert A. Glover
  • Models – Mark Manson

I read these books only once a month ago. You don't have to read them 5 times. What you have to do is to start applying these changes in real life, like I did.

Comentarios destacados

LoveNotH86 (▲ 14)

Because it's a mindset, not necessarily a physical thing you're living. You don't have to have 5 women in your rotation. You just have to know you're desirable and be confident that you can always find someone else if things don't work out.

Example: you start dating a woman and after a couple months she's toxic, dragging you down but the sex is good and she's good company... a man with abundance mindset will be secure enough to break things off because even if you don't currently have other women you know you'll get other chances in due time. A man with scarcity mindset will stay in the toxic relationship because he doesn't want to lose the experience of a woman.

MajestyMosquito (▲ 5)

I've heard this saying countless times and think it's applicable to your situation.

If she likes you, you'll know. If she doesn't, she'll keep you left feeling confused.

MadDeodorant (▲ 14)

I feel like all the information related to this topic and to self-improvement in general (for all people not just men) ends up going towards the same conclusion: focus on action, not on the outcome.

I 100% agree with this conclusion and it is by far one of the greatest truths one could ever learn. This post itself agrees with it. Focus on action, in this case, telling and acting out the truth, your truth. And let go of the outcome, let go of girls/women rejecting you (or not), of people liking you or hating you, for example.

Now, this change in mindset from an outcome focused view to an action focused view is really, really hard. It's probably the hardest thing I'm trying to work on daily. And if you are too, I'm sure you know you can have a bitch of a time adopting this mindset, not only due to your inner human nature but due to most of us living in an outcome focused society where value is attributed to, for example, how much money you make or how successful you are in whatever you pursue. I'm not resentful about the value the majority of people put in outcomes, it is what it is, but it's undoubtedly an obstacle to this change in mindset.

You may be asking how. How can I change my mindset to an action based one? Honestly, I have no fucking clue. I'm still looking for the answer like most of us. However, it might be a good idea to try and do what the post suggests: to tell and act out your truth, no matter the response. Maybe that can help in our way forward.

starry_eyes222 (▲ 13)

I agree with a lot of this. Not all of it but definitely the oneitis mindset. I can confirm I knew a guy who was like this. He thought he was honest and manly but he was actually exhibiting the false nice guy behavior in order to receive validation.

He would also rarely go on dates so he lacked experience. Most of the girls he met were through either mutual friends or through Instagram. Sorry but I don't think Instagram is a dating site & while it can be a great way to meet someone, going on actual dates via OLD or through meeting someone at a bar & experiencing different personalities, facing rejection & being the one to reject others helps you narrow down what kind of partner you're looking for.

This guy didn't do that. Instead he would meet one girl and idolize her. He would put her on a pedestal without really knowing her. He did this with me. It soon became creepy and obsessive. He would make up ideas in his head that something was going on between us when there wasn't. The more I was disinterested the more he became interested & intrigued. He was a musician & I know for a fact he wrote a few songs about me even though he never admitted it. He came off desperate & needy & would tell me how he was insecure about being short & didn't kiss a girl till he was 18. Never tell a girl that! That's the fastest way to turn a girl off.

I actually ended up giving him a chance though even though for the longest time I wasn't interested. We began to date which only lasted 2 months. Soon the nice guy behavior faded quickly. He became very critical of me, laughing at me & trying to make me feel stupid. He wasn't as sensitive to my feelings. He went behind my back & talked crap about me on another social media app I wasn't following him on. He posted passive-aggressive memes on IG that were rude about dating to get my attention then would gaslight me when I confronted him. I finally got tired of it & broke up with him. Then he apologized, we made up & he turned around & broke up with me saying he didn't want a relationship. I found out he was chasing after a new girl. He's currently alone and blaming everyone else for his misfortunes. The only thing i regret is not listening to my intuition the first time. Something kept telling me not to date him & I ignored it. Lesson learned.

Pringles__ (OP) (▲ 5)

Good riddance, you deserve someone who suits you better.

starry_eyes222 (▲ 3)

Yeah I'm actually dating someone else now. We've been dating for about six months so far & he's a lot nicer to me, doesn't play games, our relationship is simple which i like. He does have his own past wounds & small triggers like myself but together we're working on it.

But I was just really saddened by the last guy. To make me believe I could trust him & that he genuinely cared for me only to turn around become so manipulative & toxic. It took some time to get over. He was that persuasive. I'm glad i saw it for what it was & got away quick!

AngelicDevil92 (▲ 3)

As a woman I agree with almost all of what you have written here. I've been guilty of being the "nice girl" in the past. I've worked on myself and while it's difficult to maintain an abundance mentality with all the commitment phobic and unsure people out there that I have the (mis)fortune of meeting and liking.

Now I just want a man who knows what he wants and have the balls to tell me I'm not the person for him if I'm not the right one. If he's not attracted to me, he's not. Period. Don't drag something just because one is lonely.

Also I hate it when they put me on a pedestal, that's so off putting. I'm a human being with my own flaws and imperfections, continually working on them. I want someone who accepts that along with all my good characteristics. Basically someone with whom I can grow as a person and I could do the same for them.

RealTech589 (▲ 6)

I like how you included narcissism. I think a lot of redpillers fail their approach precisely in this: they care more about looking like a leader than being one. They prioritize the results over the method. I think seduction it's not a sprint but a journey. A journey where you learn first to love yourself and then to love others.

You gotta be strong but also be vulnerable, actually if you are vulnerable purposely you are showing even more strength. That's the difference between a leader and a boss.

AyeitsyaboyG (▲ 4)

I'm guilty of over texting a bit...I told this girl we should date, and she told me she was healing from a past relationship (which I know is true) but she could see it happening in the future. We hung out once after that and then she seemed really busy, but nothing went wrong that last time we chilled. I asked this girl probably 4 times to hangout this August (she had an excuse for each). She still hits me up by texting but I'm not sure it's leading anywhere. Am I wasting my time? Or trust that she's healing and keep it casual?

Pringles__ (OP) (▲ 11)

Look, I won't tell you what you should do because it's up to you. It is more important that you are honest with yourself and with her than to figure out what to do.

If I was in your place, with my current mentality, I wouldn't bother to ask her out again. If she hit me up by texting again, I would just keep it brief and short. I wouldn't feel the need to ignore her like I wouldn't feel the need to impress her. She doesn't matter anymore.

AyeitsyaboyG (▲ 3)

I appreciate your insightful response. I know she clearly isn't ready for a relationship so I'm trying to keep it casual but it's tough since we've been friends for a bit until I actually caught feeling. I like your mentality though. It's very go with the flow, just be confident in yourself type of attitude. I'll adopt your advice, thanks

[deleted]

Solid post. My two biggest cures for Oneitis and Nice guy syndrome is having lots of activities.

If you sleep with a girl, you're bound to think of her, but if your life before her was already filled with other interests, like sports, arts, (male) friends, etc, the chances of that sliver of thought multiplying into something cancerous become much much lower. I've focused more time climbing, playing guitar, working at my job, and it keeps my mind off girls I don't really care about for the most part. Hanging out with male friends I find to be particularity helpful. You don't have women on your mind at all then. I used to have quite a few platonic female friends, and needless to say, it was a bad idea.

This then prevents you from being a nice guy, as you develop competence at these skills, and you're never waiting for a girl to give you something or approve of you, as you can do that yourself. Shit tests are becoming less of a problem.

Pringles__ (OP)

Exactly, you got this.

I also have lots of life objectives. I am taking cold showers every day (I don't take hot showers anymore), I am learning the piano, I am doing a PhD thesis, I see my friends, I will start working out (when I move to my dorm). I don't even feel the need to date, get sex or get a gf to be honest. I just do it because my objective is to find an ideal partner so I want to see what's out there. If I get laid or get a gf in the process, it's ok.

I have female friends too. The problem is that there are those who are real friends, those who I could fuck but I don't want, and those who I could certainly fuck but I haven't yet. My problem with some of these friendships is that they were built when I was a nice guy. So, it's not what suits me right now.

cottagecorehoe

I'm a woman, and I agree with a lot of this.

When a guy puts me on a pedestal, it makes me uncomfortable; I want us to be equal in a partnership and treating me like I'm some sort of goddess is off-putting. I know my worth; I want you to respect it, but not act like I'm soooo much above you! There's a difference between treating me respectfully and kindly and putting me on a pedestal, and I'd much prefer the former.

Also, yes, honesty is sexy. It makes you seem more confident and that you know what you want. I like that. I know what I want too, and if we are on the same page, it'll be great.

And, yes! I expect men to be picky, too. I don't want to be some guy's girlfriend because I happened to just be the only one to respond on a dating app. I want him to evaluate me and decide I'm the right one for him, just as I will do the same for him. I know this is hard for guys to do sometimes, but I don't want to waste a guy's time if they don't find me physically and mentally/personality-wise attractive. They deserve someone who they have that attraction to, just like I do.

Ivegotthatboomboom

Yes! Women here too and this post is spot on. Except maybe don't straight up insult her taste in music. Definitely tell her it's not your thing tho. At the very least have an intelligent reason behind that opinion besides "no that's stupid" lol

avgpathfinder

I always felt superficial thinking that I wont date someone i dont find physically attractive until i read the last sentence.

My thoughts in words!!

cottagecorehoe

No way! How can you date someone you don't find physically attractive? That's so important in a romantic/sexual relationship.

I think it's superficial if you're following conventional standards of what's attractive instead of what you personally find attractive, which sometimes overlap somewhat, sometimes are spot on, and other times aren't alike at all. If your ideal partner looks conventionally attractive because thats what you're attracted to, then great! But if you're attracted to features that are not what "society" deems beautiful, then don't feel pressured to find someone who is societally attractive but not attractive to you.

You should care that you and your partner are attracted to each other, but not that the whole world is attracted to your partner; it's a relationship with two people, not a relationship with you, your partner, billy from down the street, sandra from the store, will from work, etc, etc, etc...