Most of the people you date will be emotionally unavailable. The end game isn't about winning that 'person.' It's about the process that comes with gaining wisdom.
Fuente
I'm not saying that to be a dick, but I'm just pointing out the elephant in the room.
Dating brings so much crap out of a person. You can be ghosted in an instant and be forgotten in a snap.
You may trigger uncomfortable feelings in somebody that you date. To get away from those feelings, they'll cut you loose. Often with insensitivity.
You'll come across dates who will reject you for reasons you'll never know, even if they give you an answer.
If you're lucky, you'll get a polite rejection and even stay friends with the person.
But usually, there's only so much time a person is willing to give to somebody they're not interested in.
This is why you can't make your self-worth based on how people see you. It just isn't worth it. People are fickle, emotional and often stupid creatures.
There's good news though. It'll give you the freedom to stop caring so much about rejection, even if it sucks.
That may sound worthless and I'm ready for all the negative comments, but once you realize that most of the people you date just won't be emotionally available for you... it means you won't have to keep obsessing over one person that hasn't displayed any affection toward you.
They are one in a billion people who may or may not give a shit about you.
I used to think that every woman was fated to be my girlfriend or wife or etc. Then I learned over time that life just isn't like the movies.
I guess the lesson could be that you should take whatever happens to you as an opportunity to grow and become a better person. (With the appropriate sensitivity toward everyone's situations here, of course)
Dating should enrich your life. It shouldn't be a black hole that sucks you up. Even if you get rejected, there's usually always something good that you can work on within yourself.
Was the person you dated a dick? Don't be that way.
Did they leave you hanging? Remember how you felt the next time you wanna leave someone hanging.
Hell, be bitter if you must, but eventually try to work on having peace toward yourself and others.
Comentarios destacados
crackeddryice (▲ 82)
He nailed it. Also, the sooner you learn all of this and work it into your life, the better off you'll be. You don't need to spend decades figuring this out on your own, like I did.
Be good to others, but be best to yourself. It's truly your life, you're the only one who sees the entire thing from start to finish. Live it for you.
Perkyavocadotitties (▲ 12)
How do you start learning this? I feel like I want to change but its so hard dealing with past experiences that end up hurting you. Im getting older and I cant seem to change my viewpoint on this.
SoundandFurySNothing (▲ 21)
In therapy I learned about mindfulness. Mindfulness is about being aware of ourselves and the effects we have on others.
The opposite of mindfulness (and this is my own thing) is mindlessness. Mindlessness is about avoiding dealing with negative emotions via distraction and denial.
If you aren't actively aware of yourself and how you affect others, you can save yourself pain in the short term but you will find that you keep making the same mistakes over and over in the long run. This is because you aren't dealing with and learning from those negative experiences when they come up.
Mindfulness is about accepting emotions and experiences that are good and bad. Savoring the moments of happiness so they last as long as they can and dealing with the negative emotions so that they don't prevent moments of happiness and continue to burden your future.
rockhelljumper (▲ 15)
Don't worry about hurting others or yourself. It's going to happen. Realize that the short term pain is better than the long term pain and the longer you wait to cut it off, the more it hurts.
Plus, if someone dumps you, then you didn't want them. Either you aren't compatible or you deserve to be with someone who will love you the way you love them.
Everyone gets hurt by those they love, friends, family, co-workers, bosses etc. The trick is finding someone worth hurting for and who is willing to hurt for you.
[deleted] (▲ 167)
Agreed 100%. The more I date, the more nonchalant and comfortable I become about it, which is a far cry from the overly-sensitive, desperate person I used to be. I don't take things as personally anymore, and keeping my boundaries solid has worked wonders over the years.
WisePTstudent (▲ 26)
Thanks for the response! I'm a guy, but some of these really resonate with me. In my last relationship, I ignored what I felt like were major red flags to see if they would get worked out.
Learned I need to have more self-worth/value/respect. Secret relationships aren't real relationships. Gauge your partner's interest level by how much they initiate/reciprocate communication and body language. It's okay to tell someone what you want: "No, I don't want to just be friends, I'm only interested in romance. Call me if you change your mind."
After talking/dating a girl for 9 months, she was still secretive about us. She never would do as much as hold hands in public. In the end she roasted me with, "I have high expectations for a partner. I don't think you're the type of guy who can be successful." I also put in more energy into communication than she did — maybe 3x as much reaching out via text and call.
[deleted] (▲ 35)
I think the biggest mistake people make with dating is that they automatically allow a complete stranger so much control over their emotions and self-worth & then wonder why that person ran for the hills.
It's okay to be emotionally unavailable at first. It's ok to be guarded and it's better to have someone prove to you why you should trust them with your heart and your happiness vs allowing anyone who gives you the time of day access to your vulnerability like that.
Some people's emotional unavailability is chronic, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that unless they want to, unless they let it. Learn from them in that case — no one should have control over your emotions BUT YOURSELF.
[deleted] (OP)
More like: Our real focus should be on continuous self-improvement.
95 percent of people will be unavailable to us. They will use us, ghost us, ignore us... all for reasons only they halfway understand.
But when you realize how fickle people are, it just doesn't matter. You no longer have to take any of people's rejections of you personally.
It's not about you. It's about the ham sandwich they had during lunch in the 5th grade. You remind them of it, therefore they no longer like you.
Sound absurd? That's because it is. That's when you realize how bullshit it all is.
Therefore, learn as much about yourself as you can from the situation. Feel the pain. Sulk for a few days. Move on. Be a better person than you were in the past... and not so you can find someone, but just because it'll make you a better person overall.
Or be bitter and angry for the rest of your days on planet Earth. 😂
[deleted] (▲ 112)
I just went through something that made me realize what you posted. It's tough to realize most people you date will not be 'the one', and that's fine. You just gotta suck it up and move on.
gsbadj (▲ 36)
The whole idea of there being "the one" is a recipe for making yourself miserable. People who think that they will be happy only when x, y, and z happen engage in affective forecasting, which people are notoriously bad at. And, in the meantime, while waiting for the "one" to come along, they're unhappy.
Enjoy what's in your life when it's in your life. Appreciate what you have.
save_scummer (▲ 18)
There's always a reason someone stops liking you, but many times the reason is so bizarre, irrational and only makes sense at a subconscious level so the person will convince themselves it's some other reason that seems more rational. As the one being broken up with, you may never know what the true reason is. But their mind is made up.
That's the frustration, but once you understand this you are free.
crownking7 (▲ 40)
I went on a first date with a girl I pretty much fell in love with, and now received the exact emotional unavailability from her that you describe. I text her, ask her out, and she texts back a week later that she's busy or traveling. I really wish she knew (or cared) about my feelings for her :'(
[deleted] (OP) (▲ 80)
It may not be what you want to hear, but there will be others like her. Feel the pain, allow yourself time to sulk, and let her go dude.
Also, it is 100 percent on her for not choosing to date you again. I'm willing to bet serious dough that you did nothing wrong. Resist the urge to try to 'figure her out.' It could be what she ate for breakfast that morning. She ate cereal, it made her feel weird about dating somehow, and blam. Gone.
Again, people can be extremely fickle creatures. 😂